Greetings from Montecito, America! Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Sussex and future president of the United States, and Harry, her husband, hope that you and the family members, you have fully vetted for the appropriate demographic quotas, are enjoying a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend.
Of course, don’t enjoy it too much. After all, this weekend is a reminder of the horrible and genocidal invasion of the United States by people from Europe, like my husband. Oh, but he’s fine. He’s been retrained after all and is now fully invested in the woke, progressive, inclusive, and feminist ideology that I believe in.
He barely graduated high school, so it was super easy to get him onboard.
Regardless, if you do celebrate Thanksgiving, it’s a wonderful time of year where I take some time to think about how thankful I am to be me! Here are some of the things I’m most thankful for this year.
First is the birth of my daughter, Lilibet ‘Lili’ Diana Mountbatten-Windsor. She will (hopefully) be the spitting image of her grandmother, Princess Diana, so that I can milk that connection for as much money as humanly possible.
Archie is cute, but you need that girl to really make the Diana thing work. That’s why Harry and I made sure that our second would be a girl (wink, wink).
Unfortunately, she’s now teething, so I’m exhausted because it’s so time consuming to direct the army of nannies that help me take care of her. Motherhood is mostly a hobby after all, so you need nannies to make it all work. Balancing motherhood and the minimal work I do is exhausting, especially calling and annoying Senators.
Speaking of Senators, as a future presidential candidate, I’m so grateful that Senator Kristen Gellibrand provided me with the private phone numbers of Republican politicians across Washington D.C., so I can harass them while they’re at the gym to make sure that no other person has to live on a $4.99 buffet dinner at Sizzler.
You have no idea how difficult that is to be so poor that you can’t regularly eat at Nobu. Oh, the humanity.
I’m also so thankful that I don’t have a family, except for my mother. My husband also has no real family, except for his dead mother, Princess Diana. Family drags you down as you’re trying to take over the world, and they’re also a huge liability. Depending on how long you’ve known them, they could completely destroy the carefully constructed lies that you’ve told your husband, his family and the world.
It’s so pesky to have to deal with the truth. My truth is the truth. Anything else is a lie.
As a producer, actress, entrepreneur, director and every other Hollywood title you could image, I’m so thankful that Spotify and Netflix are so willing to give me millions and millions of dollars for only a small amount of work.
Shouldn’t every podcast get millions of dollars for a 35-minute production that was beaten by whale noises? I think so.
Finally, I’m so thankful to my husband, who gave me the platform I always deserved.
I always believed I was destined for greatness. I just needed a rather dim, oh I mean brilliant, man to bring me to the attention of people who always dismissed me as a narcissistic and untalented hustler.
Shows you what they know, right?
I’m one of the smartest and most talented people in the entire world, and I just needed my husband, his family title and money to make my Hollywood dream come true.
Next year, I know I will achieve an Oscar, Emmy, Grammy and a Tony, the legendary EGOT. The only thing holding me back was the lack of a royal title, not my talent. I’ve always been hugely talented, that’s why I was a briefcase girl and had a small supporting role on a cable TV show.
No matter what happens next year, and no matter how much I humiliate myself on Ellen, isn’t great to be Meghan Markle, The Duchess of Sussex and U.S. President in waiting.